Monday, October 24, 2011

All You Got is What You Believe You Got - I Gotta Beleive

Surrounded by words, what do you say when you can't talk, in search of my voice, I listen to music to find it...  Alright Ms Nicks, I'm ready to be "washed clean." I'm stuck somewhere between "what I had and what I lost". Even though I understand the impermanence of life, this episode has been a hard pill to shallow. Yes "women, they will come and they will go" but as the song shifts consciousness, I wonders when she has "bette davis eyes" how can one let her go... the musical meditation plays on.

I take a sip from the bottle. the tannic taste of the washington merlot has a slight warming sensation to my throat. in the state I'm in it's good to know I can still feel. I'm lost. I'm vulnerable. I still can't believe she is gone, she? The wine hits my stomach now and those eyes return to my mind, watching. Big, Blue, haunting, I feel like I'm stand at the foot of my Great Gatsby. it all weighs heavy, a large pull from the bottle does nothing to reduce the weight but I allow myself to enjoy the juice anyway.

new lyrics in my head work to remind me, "yesterday's gone... yesterday's gone... oooh don't you look back"

half a bottle gone or half a bottle to go, the task I've chosen to keep my mind busy is all about perspective. I put the bottle down to grab my pen. the notebook before me is filling quicker then I can drain the bottle next to me. If it is all about those eyes, then all I can do is write, this story needs a better ending. I will not except a tragedy, the world is full of to many right now. "i wanna get next to you." spins through my mind now, so I write, write and write till my hand is sore, the bottle dry and my aching heart goes numb,... for now

spent I close my eyes relaxing into the next tune... "aint no woman like the one I got"

tapping my foot all I have left is a belief in what I "got"... drifting into the moment, "I'll kiss the ground she walks on" is exactly how I feel.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Game On Officer, Game On

Apparently if I am not going to ask out a woman, the universe is threatening to force an encounter on me.

From their perspective, I guess I can see what it looked like. After pull my car over suddenly, I jump out with a hatched and run toward the bushes.  They must have been thinking, either I just caused trouble, I'm about to cause trouble or I need to take a piss.  Pick the scenario, this is something these lady cops thought they should look into.  I'm sure how I was dressed had something to do with it.  My stylish form fitting running gear does show off my physique and the bright orange stocking cap I was wearing is sure to catch an eye, but it's my ten dollar shades that I must admit, make me look damn sexy.  Seeing how I was dressed, you could say I was asking for harassment.

"What are you doing over there?" I heard an authoritative voice call over my shoulder.

With an election sign and hatchet in hand I turned to face the cutest little butch officer of the law that I've ever seen.

"is that yours" she barked.

"the sign no, but yeah I work for the guy" I replied as I leaned on the sign, pushing it in by hand.  my eyes focused on checking this officer out.  not my type but she had a good stance. well balanced, defensive and ready to act.  I'm not sure if she'd go for the gun or choose to mace me.  Obviously, she was confident whichever she picked she could have it unbuckled and drawn before I could close the distance between us.  "I'm just trying to get'em back up after the storm." I said taking a couple steps toward her.

"Get that thing away from me!"

I can see I've made her nervous, "what thing?"

"The WEAPON sir." her tone was deadly serious, freezing me in my tracks.

"oh the hatchet." I turn and toss it into the bushes.  Before she can ask the obvious question I answer it for her, "I'm using it as my hammer."

"A pick-axe? Do you see how that can be misconstrued?"

thinking to myself, it's a little hatchet with a rubber protector over the blade, this aint going to hurt you lady.  My answer is humble, "I totally get it officer."

Turning my back, I walk over to retrieve my so called pick-axe.  The officer says something else to me but unimportant my attention is elsewhere.  I notice that all this time there was backup in the police-cruiser.

"Is that your car?" a sexier but equally authoritative voice inquires.

I look over at my car still running, the drive side door open and it is the only car in the entire lot.  "Why, did you run the plates, ...are you trying to look me up?"

"you look like trouble" she smiles, "I might have too."

The things I would say if her girlfriend was not armed and looking over my shoulder.  Instead I look directly into the eyes of the sexy cop inside the vehicle.  As I retrieve my weapon I flash a coy smile.  "Thanks officer." I say before breaking eye contact and return to my car.  Secretly I hope they decide to take me in, I'm a bad man.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Damn It's a Bunch of Bull

It didn't start with ego but ego soon took over.  at first I just wanted to grow stuff.  organic food to eat, a new relationship with the planet, but mostly family.  I wanted to learn to put down roots and raise a healthy family.  these were the goals of the farm.  the more I read, the more I thought the more complex I allowed my vision to become.  soon what I was really thinking about was a new type of economy.  secretly I was challanging some of the foundations of america's version of capitalism.  I wanted to take down the bull.
now in over my head I am lost in the labyrinth, alone.  my ego drove me to obsession, an obsession to take down the bull.  I pushed people away, especially loved one because I thought I was protecting them from the fears I was to face.  Instead, they lost faith, I lost support and then we lost our way.
the bull is still out there, awaiting me in this labyrinth which has me trapped.  my time here has been defeating, I was ready to give up.  Lost however, is no way to go through life.  scary as it has been, time in the isolation has changed me for the better. Today, under a full moon, I let go the past and walk the path to my future...
I pray my love has left a trail of thread to lead me home.